Friday, February 6, 2009

The Checkup

Stop me if you've heard this one.

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup. After examining him thoroughly, the doctor says, "John, you're in surprisingly good health. You're fit, you're strong, and all your blood work came back great. You've got the body of a 35 year old man. Just how old are you anyway?"

"I'm 76," John replies.

"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor. "What do you do to stay so fit?"

"Well," John explains, "I get up ever day before dawn, I head out up the mountain, and I go turkey huntin'."

The doctor rubs his chin thoughtfully and says, "That certainly is good exercise, but there must be more to it than that. I'd bet you've got really good genes. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?"

"Who said he was dead?" retorted John.

"You're dad's still alive? How old is he?" the doctor asks.

"He's 97."

"Your dad's 97? Wow! That's great. What is his secret?"

"Well, every morning he gets up before dawn, we walk up the mountain together, and we go turkey huntin'."

The doctor is absolutely amazed. "That's incredible. Your dad is 97 years old and he goes turkey hunting with you? That's -- that's just incredible. You must have incredible genes in your family. Tell me, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

"Who said he was dead?" replies John dispassionately.

"What!? Your grandfather is still alive?"

"Yep."

"How old is he?"

"He's 118 years old."

"What?!" exclaims the startled doctor. "Come on! I'll bet next you're going to tell me he went turkey hunting with you this morning."

"Nope. He couldn't. He was getting married this morning."

The doctor is bewildered and says, "Getting married? Why in the world would a 118 year old man want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

4 comments:

cemeteryconsort said...

Where is your "UGG!" button?

dedises: Conditions that are lethal and leave you dead.

Gleno said...

Aw, come on! People love that joke! You're supposed to be my biggest fan, remember? All I can get is an "UGG"?

i cry with teh sad in my face.

cemeteryconsort said...

"Groan". There is that better?
I'll give you a better joke.


Murder at Wal Mart

So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained
to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was
$5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super
Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
, had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he
could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...


(You're going to hate me for this ... )











'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

O

Gleno said...

I'm sure you realize that by telling that you joke risked tearing the fabric of time and space.

To use a movie quote:

[Mrs Mine], what you've just said... Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.