Friday, December 5, 2008

Uh Oh

I was eating a piece of fried chicken for lunch a little while ago when, to my greater consternation, it became apparent I had swallowed a small bone. I paused and pondered the situation for a moment before allowing bodily functions to resume.

Yep. It was stuck.

Slowly, I inhaled.

OK, respitory systems were still functioning, but the bone was holding fast in my throat.

I coughed. Nothing.

I coughed again. Nothing.

OK, this was becoming something of a "situation." Gently, very gently, I swallowed. The bone moved. It moved into a more painful and alarming position.

"Well, this sucks."

The thought came to me that I had just completed the American Red Cross CPR class in November. For just a moment I thought, "Excellent, I've been trained in this sort of thing." Then it occurred to me that my colleagues standing over my blue-skinned body may not have been.

I inhaled once more. My breathing passage was clear, but the bone was certainly making its presence felt.

My mind sprang into action running through a checklist of vital points:

  • Was I wearing clean underwear? Check. (Thanks, Mom.)

  • Was there anything incrimating or personal on my computer? I quickly closed YouTube and launched an official looking spreadsheet.

  • Was there anyone around that I respected and whom I didn't want to see me flopping on the floor in paroxysmally? No, the coast was clear.

It was also clear that, one, the bone wasn't necessarily impeding breathing functions (yet) and, two, I wasn't going to be able to cough it back up. I had to do something and I had to act fast.

Since I couldn't swallow the bone, I swallowed my panic. Then, I reach out, pushed aside the coke, and grabbed a big forkfull of mashed potatoes. I gulped them down.

The mashed potatoes intercepted the bone like a wet blanket thrown over a cat. They enveloped it, subdued it, and pushed it down. It worked. I was saved.

I've torn up my Red Cross card. Instead, I am now a card carrying member of the Idaho Potato Farmers Union.


Naomi said...

First, I have to say I am very glad you won your battle with the evil (for the bone MUST have been of a Chaotic Evil alignment) bone. Second, all I can say is.... "what a dork!" Love ya, Wolfy! :)

North Weymouth Cemetery said...
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