Blaine Mellon’s Top Ten List of People Who are Famous for Being Famous

There is a tiny sector of people in our society who somehow attract the attention of a surprisingly large number of other people in the broader grouping of our society. Yet the people who command this recognition do so for no reason that is apparent. They are not famous for any discernible reason such as talent, accomplishment, or even infamy. However, having inexplicably come to the forefront of popular culture at some time in the past, they seem to remain there, immovable; whether by cultural inertia or by some self-perpetuating phenomena of notoriety, many of those who keep them famous cannot even recall themselves why they do so. These are those who are famous for being famous.

• ·         Justin Beiber – I’ve been told that she is some sort of performer of some kind though to my knowledge none of his music have ever received air play and no one can name a single one of her songs. Nevertheless, this person (who I believe is a boy (or perhaps a girl)) seems to remain a constant fixture in the world of entertainment.
• ·         Kim Kardashian – Second in fame only to her own bum, this woman rocketed to stardom  for being the non-biological, non-adopted daughter of an Olympic track athlete from the last century who is said to be the 9^th best runner in US Olympic history. Building from this almost incalculably enormous life-advantage, Kardashian has achieved… well, nothing that anyone knows of. Apart from her perpetually new lines of fashion wear, lipstick, armpit wax, and scented bath towels (none of which have ever appeared in any store), Kardashian continues to not use her myriad unknown talents to keep herself in the spotlife of Hollywood, Beverly Hills, and other places that I suspect are probably in California.
• ·         Paris Hilton – I’m pretty sure she’s rich. Well, not her really, but someone in her family apparently is and it seems that she has a lot of access to this money. According to TV Guide, Paris (no relation to the town) has been featured on television programs that focused on her own ignorance of reality, morality, and practicality. This is fair enough since I must confess ignorance myself, albeit it my ignorance is of both her ignorance as well as of every other aspect of her life.
• ·         Bobby Brown, Sean “Diddy” Combs, Kanye West – In spite of his fame, all that is known of this man is that he has a drug problem, may or may not have spent time in prison or rehab, and supposedly has something to do with “rap music” (which I am told is something like music, only without instruments, melody, harmony, or music). Wait… hold on… OK, I’ve just been informed that these are actually three different people. My bad.
• ·         Ryan Seacrest – Of all of the people on this list, Ryan Seacrest is the most notable for being the name I have heard in TV and radio the most often and yet somehow remaining an absolute enigma. Initially, I suspected he had gained fame for hosting the reality show Survivor, but as it turns out that’s another guy who is even less important than Seacrest. A quick Google search made it clear that Seacrest is most likely famous for having stolen Howdy Doody’s grin.
• ·         Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton – This time I am aware that these two are completely separate individuals (for whatever that’s worth). Both claim the title “Reverend”, though at no time has either ever been seen in a church, much less seen delivering a sermon. Somewhat mysteriously, both have also been elected “black leaders”. Those with this title apparently serve for life since neither have ever been known to engage in a re-election campaign. In fact, even more peculiarly, neither was ever elected to the office of “black leader” in the first place. Exhaustive research (yet to be undertaken) has revealed that the source of the fame for each of these individuals is that they decided one day that they wanted to be famous in order to be taken seriously, which has in fact caused some people to actually take them seriously. (No, seriously.) Somehow, the press has gone along with this self-declared fame and has worked tirelessly to help perpetuate the myth that anyone gives a darn about either of these two idiots. The lesson to be learned here is that in order to be famous, all one must do is show up uninvited to any newsworthy event and start running one’s mouth about things one knows nothing about.
• ·         Snooki – No one knows what her real name is. In fact, no one knows what a Snooki is either. The venue for this person’s fame is a bit more clear than some others on this list, namely that she was on a TV show entitled “Jersey Shore.” However, no one knows what this show was about or what Snooki’s role in it was since no one has ever watched it (at least no one has ever admitted to watching it). It may not be completely accurate to say that this person is famous since, now that I have given it some thought, I can’t think of a single thing to say about her other than that you and I have both heard her name, and more than once. But why???